. one-hundred and sixty-nine (thoughts)

(thoughts that are passing through my head)

Saturday

11:16am

Im bloated.

I need to pee.

I need a cup of tea.

Hey, that rhymed!

Okay anyway...

So yesterday I went through my old posts and found the one with the messages me and "it" aka "island D" sent each other during the confrontation - that, when i think about it, never came to a good resolution.. then I took it even further and read through the old messages we sent each other while still in our relationship.

I don't know why..

I think I'm lost.... and for what reason?

Like this is all so silly, but I think the issue here is the lack of me letting it out.

WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING is to just talk about it.

I blog about it, but it isn't the same.

I hate keeping things bottled up, and thats what Im doing.

just to get it all off, i mean.. its all just in there, cause new things get to me.

and i notice small things.

I'm rambling.

I don't want to talk to anyone specifically, just someone who won't judge me.

Or say certain things but mean certain other things.

Why haven't I burned those photos of me and it yet?

I think I want to do it on new years.

I want to delete the messages on that day too.

I talked to hi- i mean 'it' the other day, I bet he(i meant 'it') thought I would stop him(fuck, I meant 'it' again) in the hallway to talk about something else.. but I asked him(urrgg 'it' ) to help my friend with her chemistry cause I don't get it.

He(It) passed me by in the hallway as I was at my locker and was all:

"sharifa" (i gave it an ugly colour.. lmao)

and i was at my locker and i said "hey.."

then he('it') was about to open the door to get into the library and I was like:

"hey, hey, hey.. wait!"

then he(it) turned around...

at that moment I could have chose so many topics to talk about maybe even gotten those answers to the questions why, what happened, how etc...

but instead I chose my friend over my curiosity and confusion and was like..

"anna's in there asking me about molecular mass and stuff. and uhh, i dont really know so I was wondering if you could help her..." I sort of smiled a bit, at me not knowing...

then it sort of released a bit of a laugh-ish thing and was like

"alright, i'll help her" or some shit like that.

would I change that moment?

No.

Why?

I don't know...

I wish I saw it's face better, my glasses were off.

just to see the reaction on its face - cause thats the first time I actually called after him('it'!!) since the departure.

His reaction seemed not too excited though..

who cares?

I think it was a big step for me...

being able to do that without a tint of hatred in my tone...

even though he tried the condom on my locker thing the week prior, and I know it was im or one of his friends, but.... I chose to be gentle and nice.

I asked my grandma if I could get a therapist, she said yes.

Now to find one...

. one-hundred and sixty-eight (quote of the day)

QUOTE:

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened ... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on." - Tupac Shakur

Maybe I should quit trying to figure things out about the past.

I should probably quit trying to find time or opportunities to make things better, and instead of finding the opportunities and thinking about using the time wisely to resolve and instead - just leave it alone.

I am a person that naturally likes to resolve my issues with people, I hate holding grudges and I hate hating people. But sometimes, I should just let go of it and stop wasting my time trying to figure out the REAL reason and the REAL answers to the questions:

Why?

What happened?

When did it happen?

How did it happen?

Honestly...

I need to just move on.

Officially.

I mean, my friend likes to say that "you need to find closure" but, maybe if you can't find closure you should just find escape.

Escape from what hurts the most, it may find cowardly, but if there really is nothing you can do about it... it's time to take out the fuckin raft and boogie, right?

But I always think I have moved on...I believe I have.

I've been on my raft trying to find a new island to rest my feet on, but I've been just floating in the ocean finding no land, no boats, no ships, a few yachts, but they look too good to hop on.

-----

I find the best feeling is to be around friends, friends that are whole heartedly there for me, and would never do anything to make me feel or think about the pain ever again. I noticed today that a few of those friends were most noticeable today. C.T, A.N and a little bit of N.C

It was very reassuring to know I had a few friends around that didn't make me feel different about my raft journey. In fact one even made light of the situation and laughed with me a bit about the island's new inhabitant.

Today I really took in how valuable my friends are, and I almost doubted all of them last year...

They all bring a bit of something to the table, and even though I may loose contact with a few of them... I'll remember all they did for me during the time we actually had together.

Hmm.

I always try not to say certain things, or expose certain people on this blog, mostly because some people may be aware of this blog I got here, so I refrain from naming names, and being specific. BUT hopefully you get what I am saying.

----

We can talk about "a boat" I'm seeing right now, not really seeing, but considering all because I'm through with not taking risks, I mean I already know that nothing is set in stone ever so might as well I milk the opportunities I get right? Right.

So this boat is all good, how ever I am having problems trusting it because it has some baggage on it that I am not really into. I mean the boat claims to be empty, but I have seen that baggage before and I am not feeling too sure about accepting the boat's attempt to help me.

Question is...

should I just see where it goes, even if that extra baggage may drown us both, but kill me - since I am human and the boat, well the boat is a boat. You get me?

(F.Y.I: This posts was mostly about males, being represented by islands and boats.)

s'later! :)

. one-hundred and sixty-seven (Haha, you suck!)

I expect to be respected when I give respect onto a certain individual. Especially if me and that individual are in some sort of relationship. I do not even understand why I am still on this shit. I am still with my ex who was before my ex who is not my ex anymore and he just pissed me off with something.

Naturally, when we first started dating, I was better off than him in the grades and education department... he used to tell me about his failings and I would try my best to encourage him to keep up the work and focus on what is most important. I never laughed at him, I never demeaned his learning abilities, I never talked shit, I never told him he was a failure.

So now his grades are doing really good, and his average is actually better than mine, due to my horrid work habits and attendance. He knows this. And today I vented on how I got back my assignment and got a 78% on it, how I went from 90s to 80s to high 70s and I was stressed about it...

His reaction you ask?
Caring?
Loving?
Encouraging?
Reassuring?
NO.

He replied with a "hahaa you suck."

Yes ladies and gents, those exact words.

So I snapped on him, and said how I NEVER did that to him when he was slipping in school, so I didn't believe I deserved that sort of treatment, and I did not appreciate it and I would like certain things in this relationship to be reciprocated. The phone call ended with tension, since we hung up from each other shortly after.

My friend often asks me why I always go back to him, and obviously there are things there that I enjoy, however he does certain things that make me just want to kill him, and never speak to him again. Like today. I already felt like shit, and he just rubbed it in and stomped on me with a steel toe boot.

Im just so angry. The blog was the only thing I could turn to.

. one-hundred and sixty-six (BLOGS)

Here are some blogs I read today...

http://icecelia.blogspot.com/

http://kmichelpress.blogspot.com/

http://femilives.blogspot.com/

http://dingeydirtytruth.blogspot.com/

http://therawnessofp.blogspot.com/

http://bglhonline.com/

. one-hundred and sixty-five (FUCK YOUR COUCH)

Okay...

so life's amazing the way it can really fuck you up, and then show you an abundance of opportunities only to fuck you up by limiting you to only a few.

Love can be so weird - like love and being 'in love'.

I love people... I love a lot of people. However, it isn't unusual that I am in love with no one.

Learning is funny. you learn from your mistakes, and then make new ones.

I always think about reversing time for a bit in order to do things all over again. But then i think about what I have, ad I rethink - do I really want to try all over again? Cause I have actually met really great friends and nice people in my lifetime. But then, I've met some folks who I wish I never laid eyes on, or even gave them the time of day.

This...

What I just said...

is the reason why I am incompetent when it comes to making new friends, I am afraid I may regret knowing them. They may do some shit that will piss me off - and I already have a few forgiveness problems.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm actually just writing, cause I am procrastinating from reading through my textbook and answering a few questions - but then again I have a spare at 2nd period. Thats what spares are for. :)

--

Hm, OH!

I went on a date last night (saturday night) with some dude I ALWAYS said no to, however 'heartless' said I should give him a chance. The irony of the fact that 'heartless' out of all people tells me to give the boy a chance, but anyway...

It was alright, my grandma told my father so he gave me a slight curfew. He thinks anything to do with men lead to sexual activity.

Movies? = SEX

Homework? = SEX

Walk downtown/Shopping? = SEX

Fix my laptop? = SEX

Dinner? = SEX

you get it?

So yeah, we only ended up chilling for a while, it wasn't quite enough time for me to feel anything. Like we were talking a bit during the movie... but that wasn't even enough cause I was actually watching it. We watched The Blind Side, it was actually really touching/humorous and motivating.

But yeah, it was alright... we ran into a few schoolmates and I was very displeased by it... I mean he chooses the most popular theatre in the fuckin city to watch a movie.

So I am only hoping rumors don't spread, cause it can turn quite ugly - on account of there are a bit of issues relating to him and me and people in a certain circle, i really shouldn't even care though. Still, I really do not feel like getting in the middle of anything either.

---

Moving on...

I bought some Cantu Shea butter finally.

it's good... really good.

smells a bit like relaxer though.

hm..

well, thats all I got right now.

2 new readers! hi there! thanks for your interest!

I'm going to finish my dinner.....

s'laters!

-sharz! :)

. one-hundred and sixty-four (UGH)

Okay.

So a lot of shit has happened that i don't feel like talking about, but to sum it all up i've been procrastinating then cramming, losing sleep, trying to give up meat and failing then i fainted in the subway went to the Emergency room for like 8 hours or so and missed a test did the test today and now I am sitting in my room - which is actually pretty clean and organized right now, for once, and I am procrastinating on an essay I was set out to finish tonight.

Yes and that is all you missed.

The photo above is me showing you my hospital bracelet and iv wound.

I find myself thinking a lot lately, which is not good, cause thinking leads to a sort of mild insomnia in my opinion. I cannot sleep if I am to busy thinking about things. So.. yeah.

My hair's grown. Its in a twistout afro thing right now, and I think I look cute, though I still need hair lotion. I am currently just strictly using Shea Butter and my spritzer for everything. Co-washing with Finese its cheap and gets the job done. Shampooing once a week with Olive Oil shampoo.

Yay.

:|

-------

Well, enough of that and on to some other shit.

To stop thinking about someone or something, it is said that you need to ... erase it from your enviroment and/or life. I have heard from others that the only way to get over something or someone is to totally erase it internally and externally. But no one ever tells me how to make it possible when you are almost forced to see it everyday. I've figured that I just need to ignore the subjects very exsistence. It has been working so far....

You know when you have a feeling that there is some sort of secret talking session that goes on and the topic is you at some points, amongst a group of individuals. I only get this feeling when I pass a certain group of people, as if they know something I don;t, or should know. Or they are studying how I carry on in life knowing that something is up... and knowing that I already know... its hard to explain. Sorry. I don't even know what is wrong with me. Sometimes I just need to say stuff.

My friend said to act happy and go-lucky as if nothing is wrong at all and everything is peachy. Just to show how well-off you are.

Yeah.

However everything isn't peachy at all.

In fact everything is annoying, frustrating and bothersome in this situation.

I'm trying my best and right now, I am just anticipating the day where I officially never have to see it again. You already know what I am talking about but... I'd rather refer to the subject as 'it'.

Moving on to another thing...

I was thinking about my sociology/psychology/anthropology class....

We learn that it is one of the important developments of self to find love and make intimate or "more than friend" relationships.

If you cannot find that you haven't successfully achieved that stage in self-development.

Then I thought to myself on my way to the library at second period today..

Have I found it?

No. Probably not, though there have been times where I thought I did - like for a minute (ore like a week, but I am trying to not make myself sound like a douche up here), but then got whiplashed into reality and was like - no.

Then I think about what some palm reading guy said to me once.. how I have 2 loves in my life... one will end quickly and the other will end long into the relationship.

He was right.

And now that both of them have ended Im stuck here thinking...

Is that fucking it?

Two?

I've been limited to two?

And somehow those two "loves" both effed up and now it's nothing?

Or will there be more, but he just could not see it?

WTF?

I know I should not even be thinking about this, I should focus on the school work, and I do. Just on my free time such as now (sorta), I will think about this.

Can't my leisure time include me weeping away at my insecurities and doubts? I don't have too much of those you know, so I think I should give them a bit of attention seeing as I rarely focus on these things at all.

I don't know...

Theres just some stuff going on and I need to do a lot of figuring out of things...

I rather just let things fall into place though.

S'later!

-sharz : )

PS. New readers get a hug.

. one-hundred and sixty-three (NOT "OK")

Your hair shedding?

You using a silk scarf, co-washing and taking your time with the mane up top?

Well, my hair is acting up, just shedding like a mofo.

So here are some chems you should stay away from soo your hair doesn't jump off your head like it's been doing... :)

Artificial colors Benzophenone-4 Cetyl Alcohol Cocamide DEA, MEA or MIPA Cocamidopropyl betaine DEA (diethanolamine) Diazolidinyl Urea Dipropylene glycol Disodium EDTA DMDM hydantoin Formaldehyde Fragrance Glycol stearate Imidazolidinyl Urea Lanolin		Lauramide DEA MEA (monoethanolamine) Methtlchloroisothiazolinone Methylisothiazolinone Mineral Oil Parabens: Methyl, Propyl, Butyl and Ethyl Petroleum Phthalates Propylene Glycol Sodium Lauryl Sulfate Stearamidopropyl dimethylamine Stearyl alcohol Tallowtrimonium chloride TEA (triethanolamine) Tetrasodium EDTA

I've decided to stick to natural products for awhile, in order to lessen the hair that falls out. :)

info via; mane&chic :)

s'later!

. one-hundred and sixty-two

I have been trying to be a vegetarian for a few days now, but it's so hard.
It isn't hard because i love meat, it's hard because meat is EVERYWHERE. And it's so easy to get a hold of. I had a chicken shwarma for lunch, all because I was too hungry to search for anything non-meaty.

Hmm..

What am I going to do?

I'll keep trying until I can go three weeks without meat, then I know I'll be ready. I have searched on the web different things I can eat, and ways I can get certain protiens and vitamins. I SHALL DO THIS!!!!

Starting the next hour I am back on my vegetarian mission.
Also, I am trimming my hair later tonight since it's a good moon phase to trim.
I'll record a vid probably explaining what I've researched about moon phases affecting the earth and affecting routines.

yay me!
I have so much homework to do but I'll fit it in for a half hour.
It is third period, I'm in the library and I am procrastinating on my homework as I type. I suck at getting things done...


LATERS!

. one-hundred and sixty-one (HAIR TRIMMING & WINTER PROTECTION)

I've started to think about my hair needing a trim, mostly because I find SO MANY knots in them, and I do end up snapping them off during class. Then I feel guilty, cause I know I just really hurt my hair, and even gave it more of a pathway into MORE DAMAGE and SPLIT-NESS.

So I've been searching a lot of videos on trimming hair, and many of times, I come across the idea of "trimming hair according to moon phases". I thought this was interesting and many people said it works IT REALLY WORKS!! So I thought, maybe I should try it and see what happens. It seems sort of silly, however I'm willing to try almost everything, on account of it feels as if my hair isn't growing to it's full potential.

So I went to www.hairboutique.com and read a bit about how trimming accordingly to moon phases helps you hair, and what exactly it does.

HERE IT IS:

To Grow Your Hair Faster

Trim ends during the New Moon or during the First Phase of the Moon when the light of the moon is increasing.

The best astrological signs for faster, longer and healthier hair is the New Moon in Taurus,Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn or Pisces.

When possible start a hair growth program with the New Moon in one of the most beneficial signs. Start by trimming a tiny bit of hair from your ends during the New Moon or First Phase of the Waxing (increasing) Moon.

These dates are also helpful if you are starting a specific hair growth program and want faster results. This would include starting a hair vitamin program (HairTopia Hair Vitamin Facts) or a new hair healthy diet, exercise, scalp or other hair care program designed to get your hair stronger and longer as quickly as possible.

Trim or cut your hair during the New Moon Phase

To Grow Your Hair Thicker & Fuller

Trim ends during the Full Moon especially when the Full Moon is in Taurus, Cancer, Scorpio,Capricorn or Pisces. The Full Moon in Leo is especially beneficial since Leo is the sign of the Lion which is born with a full lush mane.

Trim or cut your hair during the Full Moon Phase

To Grow Your Hair Slower

Trim ends after the Full Moon when the light is decreasing. This is true during the 3rd and 4th quarters of the Waning Moon. This is especially true when the Moon is in Aries, Gemini, Leo, Libra, Sagittarius or Aquarius, which also slows growth.

To Grow Hair Bushier

Trim or cut your hair with the Moon in Leo

To Treat Your Hair Chemically (Color or Perm)

Have chemical applications (straightening, relaxing, color, perm) applied during the Moon in Aquarius for the absolute best results.

There are other Moon phases that you can use for hair care. However, at this point I only want to cover the very simple process of cutting the hair for faster, thicker or bushier growth. I have thrown in the chemical processing as a general reference point.

*Greenwich Mean Times

The times provided in this article for the Moon Phases are listed in Greenwich Mean Time (GMT).

To adjust for your local time refer to a Greenwich Time Table.

As an example during non-Daylight Savings Time in the USA, New York time is Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) minus 5 hours. During Daylight Savings, it is GMT -4. For Dallas, during non-daylight savings hours it is GMT-5 and GMT-4 for daylight savings times.

To find your exact local time, adjust accordingly.

For Moon Phases and what astrological sign it is in check out: http://www.lunarliving.org/calendars/moon2009.php?Month=10

---

Seeing as winter is approacing, I'm going to stick to what I know and try not to buy anything new and keep to my staple products. Though i did buy a different moisturizer last week for five bucks, when I should've gotten Olive Oil hair lotion, but oh well. Too late.

So my staple things for the winter - if I don't weave it or extension it up.

Olive Oil Moisturizing Hair Lotion

Castor Oil

Olive Oil (pure)

Shea Oil

Almond Oil

Glycerine&Castor Oil Spritz

Africa's Best Herbal Oil (it's iight.. smells funny though)

Fineese Conditioner for Co' washes

Mane and tail Shampoo&Cond.

Olive Oil Shampoo if I end up getting calcium build-up.

...

Yeah I think thats it, and Aphogee for deep cond.

:)

Protective styles - if i dont weave it up or extension:

Twist Outs

Braid Outs

Flat Twists (which I have in now)

Single Braids

But this winter I'm leaning more towards extensions or Weaves only because, I can let the hair just be... by itself.

I was thinking of a cute style for extensions:

I would do a sort of french braids going back and making two pigtails down my back with he kind of hair you'd you for kinky-twists.

I think it would be cute, I don't know.

(Anyone have ideas for protective styles or winter protection/hair care may share.)

s'later!!

. one-hundred and sixty. Back On My GRRIINNND

i wanna be here by mid 2010

I WANT TO BE HERE BY AT LEAST LATE 2010 ..

I also want to henna dye my hair that colour...

I WANT BE HERE BY LIKE, 2012..... AT LEAST.

....

I noticed I havent made a god hair post in some time, and when I opened up this blog I was starting out on the hair...

So let's keep it up no?

. one-hundred and FIDDY-nine

Right then...

you know when you have so many things you wish you can say... to anyone, but was afraid of the outcome? Or, whatever you had to say might be so irrelevant that the receiver wouldn't know how to deal with it.

Yeah..

There are so many things I'd like to say to certain people, or just be able to say out loud, but I don't like tension so I just don't say anything.It could be good thing sometimes...

Well moving on from that.

I got an e-mail from a movie theatre I applied to... the mail goes like this:

Interview invitation / Invitation d'entrevue

	Inbox		X

Reply

Theatre Manager to me

show details 3:07 PM (10 hours ago)

Sharifa,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected to complete an online interview with Cineplex Entertainment. The online interview will help us to further determine your potential fit for the position of Part Time Cast Member. To ensure that your application is processed in a timely manner, we ask that you complete this short questionnaire as soon as possible.

To begin please click the following link to access the online interview:click here. Please follow all instructions until you have completed the interview process.

Thank you for your interest in Cineplex Entertainment.

Sincerely,

Cineplex Entertainment Recruiting Team

******************************************************************************

Thats good news, it means I'm a step closer to probably getting an interview. Which would then get me chance to get hired. THEN I CAN BE EMPLOYED AGAIN!!

I really took my employment at "The Gap" for granted. I know how serious work is, and I am totally ready to get back in there and do my costumer service thanng.

seriously...

cause at the end of the day, i'm getting paid for all i do, so might as well i put up with whatever i put up with, right?

right.

I made a new YouTube vid... nothing interesting...

Im tired, it's like 2AM.

going to bed.

later!! :)

. one-hundred and FIDDY-eight

Alright.

wow, this has to be the longest I've ever gone without an update. HOLY SHIZZNIT.

And the only reason I'm updating now is cause I am currently procrastinating on doing my ANTHRO homework and Photography assignment. Yep. Nice, I know.

I would say, I've been busy... cause I have been quite busy.

Doing homework, trying to get a job... being tired.

Life is weird.

Can you believe what a classmate said to me the other day? Well, friday. Okay, we went to the mall after school cause I wanted to buy headphones and she wanted to buy jeans. So we go together, cause she had no one else to go to the mall with, and asked my friend A.N and I if she could come with us. So we said sure, she's our friend too, not a very close one... but she's up there. So yeah... we were sort of browsing around and I was picking up stuff trying it n and putting it back on account of Im unemployed and broke. And she notices the garments and accesories I was looking at and was like :

"Sharifa, I didn't know you dress like that! If you dressed so nicely and I knew it, I would hang out with you everyday!"

I laughed and was like "I would dress like this more often if I had MONEY. but i'm broke."

Then she was like "HURRY AND GET A JOB! Your swag can be so up to par."

Yeah...

I sort of know. Thanks R.G (i forgot her last name, cause on facebook she always changes it.)

But , yeah... I hope people don't like.... think i dress bad AND can do something about it. Cause I really can't. At the same time I don't really care what people want to say about me, but obviously everyone can have that ONE THING that they worry about and is a bit insecure about, you know?

Yeah.

I'm not going to worry to much about it. However, I'll take this brief moment to ask The Creator to grant me an opportunity to get hired somewhere....

I never ask God to really GIVE me anything, cause I remember I went to church or I was watching Evan Almighty, I don't really remember which one it was....

And the priest or Morgan Freeman - depending on which one out of those two it could've been, said "God gives you opportunities, it's up to you to recognize it and take action."

----

WAIT..

I remember where I saw this comment. I was in Jamaica at my late Grand-Aunt's house before she passed away, and I was looking through her journal or something.... she was showing it to me in actuality. And I saw that there were quotes. I read the quotes, but that one from Oprah Winfrey was the one that really stood out to me. I took that in, and it has been permafrozen in my mind since I read it near 6 years ago.

It went something like - Theres no such thing as luck - luck is an opportunity god has given you- or some shit like that...

Whatever. You get it.

S'later!

. one-hundred and FIDDY seven

I wish i could speak another language....
so I can talk and no one could understand what I was saying... unless they spoke the same language as me. Its a random thought that was in my head since the beginning of second period.

Anyways.. I'm at school on my spare just had a sub at subway took a walk and came back to school. I have gained five pounds so.... I'm trying to lose it.

My hair grew to my mid eye... so that's exciting...

And i'm doing my little sister's hair today. Bantu Knot out. I'm going to bantu it up and in the morning I'm going to take it out so it's curly for her picture day.I'll record it and put it up on youtube, since i havent tubbed in a while. Haha.

School is going alright. Boring as ever, I just want to leave but.... I need to finsih this year. I SWEAR IF I GO THROUGH ONE MORE YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL I'LL DIE!!

I remember when I used to wish we still had grade thirteen, however now I am actually very happy it's gone! Though maybe if we had grade thireteen I would feel like this yet. Maybe I only feel like this because I know this is the last year.

Life's hard.

I have nothing to say hairwise. I've been using the glycerine spritzer.
Aphogee is great for a conditioner, and that's pretty much all I've been doing with my hair. I was thinking about getting some extensions this weekend... cause I'm getting tired of de-flatening my hair every morning...

We'll see.

Just checking in on you.
Later!
:)

. one-hundred and FIDDY-six

I'm at school on my spare, I've either been too lazy or too busy to blog lately. So I decided to take this time on my spare to share some thoughts and check in on my blog. Not like there's much to check on.

So anyway...

Things on my mind right now would be:

1) this computer is pretty slow...

2) Kid Cudi's new album is DA' SHIIIIIT.

3) I want to learn how to DJ.

4) I need a job.. haha. but that's always on my mind.

5) I'm pretty hungry..

6) what a semi-gloomy day.



There is not too much to talk about right now, things have been pretty boring lately for me. Just the usual - school and shit. I've found that things are pretty different - minus the obvious fact that we're all older and one of our close friends moved schools for this year.... I've found that I am not quite feeling as much at place as I used to. Everyone's become a bit more independant and so have I. I have become a floater - that one who hangs out with whoever. ----

WHAT THE EFF. my ex is in the library. Anyway sorry that was random.. haha. -ehem- Sorry I barely see him anymore so when I see him I get all... weird. It's like a mixture of nervousness, fear, anxiety and maybe 0.5 percent of pain. You know the usual. Maybe a little less pain than 0.5. Maybe like 0.2 percent pain and 0.3 percent hatred...

Okay so he's gone now... haha. So what was I talking about?
Wait... before I even go back to what I was talking about, maybe I should extend my thoughts on my latest encounters with my ex-boyfriend. Okay. So we have only had conversation once... like real conversation. Alright so it's like ever since that whole facebook messaging thing he's been like talking to me hard. Not rude. Just in this weird way - as if he's trying to prove something. Like everytime he talks to me he has this face that illustrates a "nah, nah, nah boo boo. I'm talking to you see? so now you can't talk down on me...bitch." Like what the fuck? No one asked you to talk to me bitch, fuck.

Ehem.

Okay... so back to what I was talking about BEFORE I started talking about him.
(Scrolls up the screen to read back...)
Right. So yeah, I've become more independant, as if I don't need thier company. Besides that, I don't really care anymore either cause I know like not too much of them will keep in contact with me after this year. I'm not counting on it.

But yeah this subject got boring fast.

I want to learn how to DJ. One of my male friends said they'd teach me, but I needed to find a big space.... I CANT FIND ONE! Uuurrg. I need richer friends. Haha.

But yeah. I've decided that - although it would look good on my transcript, I can't join the STUDENT COUNCIL. Instead I'll just join the Prom Comittee. Yep. Sounds much better for my balance of school work, extra-curricular and so forth.

Other than all that...
My HAIR is doing good. A bit of shedding. I have not been manipulating it too much, I've been doing wash-n-go's like EVERYDAY. I've also been scrunching my coils to get them more defined, people have noticed. When the weather gets ridonks I am planning to weave it up. So... Yeah. I'll talk about that more when I get there.

So yeeeeeaah.
I'm doing alright, hope everyone else is also doing good. New readers are welcome.

. one-hundred and FIDDY-five

First week of school was alright, it feels as if it isn't going to be too fun and exciting. My first week and I already feel as if I've been at school for twice the time. The days seem long, and boring. This is sort of a good thing, on account of - the less fun I have, the more I excel in the class. So maybe the more fun I have at school - the more I will achieve my goals. Hopefully that's how it may work. I saw "you know who", not as often as before, I rarely see him around, on account of we don't have the same courses. I don't see that girl (maybe i'll link back later) too often either.

I learned how to footnote for my essays and things! Which is awesome, cause I've always wanted to learn how to do that. Haha, I'm such a nerd.

I just want to get it over, but I don't - school I mean. I have become extra sick of my own school, and I just want it to end. However, I will miss my friends, and miss the "bliss" of high school, the teenaged fun, the responsibilities that prove how irresponsible you are but you then learn from the mistake and become more responsible than before. I love being this age, but I know I'll have to grow up sooner than later. So.. I need to prepare.

Went to heartless/@HopDat's house after school today, and we chilled ate tacos and planned on going to a hotel jam, then scrapped it, then planned on the movies, then scrapped it, and went our separate ways. So yeah.... grrreat.

I'm trying not to dwell on past things and focus on my future...

though you might hear some entries of my revenge on a female human being (WHAHAHAHA!!!), I'm aware that revenge is a weak man's defense - but I don't give a damn, it's my last year and I want to have a little tinsy winsy bit of fun. I will. Whahahs!!

Listening to 'Love That Girl' by Raphael Saadiq.

He's foyyne, and his music is extra smooth.

Favourite song is 'Get Involved' featuring Q-Tip.

S'lateer!!

PCE, LVE, & Raphael Saadiq

. one-hundred and FIDDY-four.

Well...

Tomorrow is school, it's official. It is my very last year of High School, grade twelve and I still don't really know what I REALLY REALLY want. I will be working as hard as possible this year, I have set my goals and I have sort of set the path I really want to take. I'm sitting on my bed in my bedroom, it is 12:26. The television is locked on Spongebob. I am seventeen, and still feel as if I am younger. I will soon be off into the world to do my own thing, be independent. Alone? Hopefully not. Secluded, hopefully not. Never to see my friends again, most likely not to happen. I always wanted a older sibling to look to in these things, that is probably the worst part of being an only child in a family of two parents who never really went to school in Canada, or at least University.

I will still try my best, and I won't let anyone tell me anything different, or try to tell me I can't do something. No one really knows me the way I know myself, if deep down I know I can do something, though I never really publicly expressed that I had the potential to do it in the face of my friends and peers, doesn't mean I can't do it. It just means, they will all be shocked to see me do what I did.

I'm going to fall back on being a experimental photographer since it is pretty hard to be a big shot one in the words of many. So I will be okay with just sticking to it as a side thing. I do photography as a hobby right now you can check out some of my artwork at: http://www.exclaimationmark.deviantart.com

Here's some of my artwork as a preview...

Moving on...

My grandmother is so funny sometimes, she is always falling back on how I stopped relaxing my hair as random conversation with her friends and our family members. She always says "She's an afro-head now. Natural... no more perm for her." Though she is always saying I will see all the girls at university and perm my hair again. Which sort of angers me, cause this natural thing might be becoming more of a 'fashion trend' then i expected, however I don't really care what other people do, cause I did this for me... solely for me. This big chop has been the first thing in my life that I actually fought for and didn't just 'talk' about. I actually did it. I did the actions to back up my mouth. I warned people before I did it, so it wasn't like I was doing it for attention and it was totally random. I made everyone know....or at least the people I talk to, that "hey, I cutting off the perm."...."bitch.". Haha. I did it, and was so extremely happy, no trace of remorse on my mind. I could only smile and laugh.

I'm now listening to King Of The Rodeo by Kings of Leon.

King of the Rodeo - Kings of Leon

Spongebob is still on.

I am doing my laundry before school starts, making sure I have clean sweats for Gym class first period.

I got some money to save. Haha, not to spend.

I love blogging.

PCE, LVE, & FRSH AIR!!

. one-hundred and FIDDY-three (WAR on boats)

It was a long hard fight my friends...

I tried, I fought... I fought to the finish, the very very finish.

I lost.

DEFEATED.

Half of it was self-discouragement, if that is even a word, I just started to say "it wasn't worth it" it wasn't a good idea to do that, however I knew it was no real use trying so hard for something that was too far from my reach. It used to be in my reach, until it left. Basically Adidas was a guy, and Footlocker was another guy who I barely talk to. Whatever though. I don't even care any more. Really. I am so fed up with it right now, I can't even talk about it. I can't. I through with all of it.

I tried though.

I can at least came out of this War alive, and with the ongoing memory of my strength to keep my endurance.

I saw one of my old crush that same night and had short conversation, that I ended myself, for some douchebaggy reason. But yeah, that is one good that came out of the bads of the evening.

Either way I had fun.

I guess.

Life is hard for shy people like me... who don't really enjoy sparking up conversation with random people ALL THE TIME, maybe once in a while... but not ALL THE TIME.

I don't have much else to say.

lates

. one-hundred and FIDDY-two.(My conversation with the unknown)

Summer is almost over, there are basically like three days left.

I think I had an okay summer, even if I was phone-less for a great deal of it, un-employed, broke and all. It was still a good summer indeed. I went school shopping earlier this week and today, bought some quality binders, one new uniform school shirt and pair of pants, also I am going to the last jam of the summer tomorrow night. It's on a boat, sounds pretty great and yeah. Whoot.

However, enough about me...

I don't want to get all ME, ME, ME on you all, even though I've been doing that a lot lately, but only because there wasn't too much to talk about... other than me. I think everyone should have time to focus on themselves though.

ANYWAY....

So here's my topic: People who purposely sabotage your chances to get what you want, cause they want it.

I could be wrong, but let us just say, there is someone in my life right now who seems to be purposely not helping me get something, because they want it. This pisses me off, only because seeing that I never get many opportunities to take on this thing, or get this thing, and they always do. Why can't I just have my day once and a while you know? I am not much of a competitive person... but this person better watch out cause I am about to put the gloves on for this one. I could be jumping to conclusions, maybe they actually DID forget to mention me, maybe they didn't think about it or something. However, i am good at seeing things, I may act as if I don't know what is going on, but I always know... I just don't like starting shit with people that's all.

However, sometimes it just irritates me.

Maybe the person is just scared, cause they know I WILL get it. Even I know with a little push and a nudge here and there I WILL get what I am seeking for. It makes me smile sometimes to know how extremely scared people are that I just might win something they will never be able to. Well, maybe not ever, but not while I am in the picture. It was as if as soon as it was announced that I could get this thing... the two people who are always the ones to get the "thing" both tried to direct me to another thing. I found it really odd, and hilarious at the same time. I wish this blog was a bit more private so I can tell the whole story.... ITS TOO FUNNY.

I will try and put this in metaphorical terms though...

Here's the conversation:

UNKNOWN1: Oh yeah by the way... ADIDAS manager told me they're interested in you, and you should come in any time at around three or so for an interview.

SHARZ: Oh yeah? hmm. I really like ADIDAS too.

UNKNOWN2: But what about FOOTLOCKER?

UNKNOWN1: Oh yeah, didn't you like FOOTLOCKER too?

SHARZ: Meh, I barely care anymore.

--------

days later...

---------

UNKNOWN2: ADIDAS is a really hard hard job, look at all the employees they have, too.

SHARZ: Yup. I know... but I am still going to try and go for an interview.

UNKNOWN2: Do you still like FOOTLOCKER.

SHARZ: sure...

UNKNOWN2: Have you heard from FOOTLOCKER?

SHARZ: no..

UNKNOWN2: So what the eff?

SHARZ: Whatever, not as much as I like ADIDAS

UNKOWN2: Hmm...

----------------------------------------

Like, what the eff?

Every single time "Adidas" get brought up, so does "Footlocker"!

Which could possibly mean that the UNKNOWNS are trying to avert my mind from"Adidas" cause maybe they know that I could be seen as a threat.

This could just be another one of those situations... you know? The situations that help you get stronger, life lessons, life experiences and shit. This could help me become more of a go-getter and person who gets what they want, and takes on a challenge. Usually, I wouldn't be caught dead fighting for anything other than my rights, however... I think if I really ant something, I should go and fckn get it! I am going to get this.

End .

PCE, LVE, & JUICE

. one-hundred and FIDDY-one.

I get compliments on how soft my skin is, and sometimes how acne-free it is... and natural it looks.

Though sometimes i use make-up when i'm going out... however truthfully i rarely wear make-up. Lately I have, since i wanted to hide some spots on my face, but I am about to quit doing that... and go back to trying to be healthier to avoid bad skin situations....

I shall share a few things that i do:

EXFOLIATE!

I exfoliate like 2 times a week, when I can. I used to do it like every other day, until I realized how crazy that is, and then I switched it to two times a week, or at least once a week.

Things I used to exfoliate would be:

Baking Soda & H2O

Lemon, and Sugar (and in the winter (or if i exfoliate before bed)I use almond/olive/shea butter oil in the mixture )

Lemon, Salt and H2O - but i don't even use this anymore.

-----

WASH FACE THOROUGHLY.

Alot of people think a good wash is all it needs, well no!

You need to wash until you are sure everything is off. That is part of the reason why I like foaming cleansers, I feel as if it is working. However, I barely use foamy cleansers anymore. I am sticking with cetaphil right now.

However, these are the cleansers that I use.

Cetaphil

Clearasil -any one

Neutrogena (spelling?)

And after I clean up the face I splash my face a few times with Oregano Oil mixed with Water.

It is THE ULTIMATE life saver when it comes to getting rid of ACNE I am telling you!

I tend to have major dry skin in the Winter, as do most people....So I try to moisturize better, but I hate looking oily. So I use a dime size of Almond oil and spread it on my face before I go to bed. It works.

I try to eat a lot healthier..

And I frequently try to remind myself to drink water, and even when I don't drink water alone... I dilute almost all my drinks with water.

That is all I do for now.

. one-hundred and FIDDY. (lmao)

I went to Zellers today before going to fix my cell phone, and I bought some school supplies, along with a nice blousey-dress and a nice cotton cardigan. I always tryout my pencils and pens on my new notebooks and I decided to write my goals down on paper. Not only to try out my pens, but also cause I was planning to do that on my blog. So I guess I can share those with you right now…

1. Stay fit
2. Keep room as clean as possible for more than a week or two.(try forever)
3. Maintain at least an 80%
4. Always do homework, it helps, and you know it does… so do it.
5. No skipping class, no matter how hungry you are…
6. Maintain good attendance.
7. Keep your head up.
8. Stay focused.
9. Be independent, and don’t be afraid to get a little bossy at times.
10. Be a go-getter.

So hopefully I can stick to those, and I may add a couple more to the mix.

I will be doing a lot of updates and things more when school starts, cause then I will have a lot of venting to do. However, I have one thing to vent about right now, and that is guys. There is this guy who says he likes me and whatever, but he has a girlfriend, and it is so annoying to me when males think this is attractive. This isn’t attractive, this being cheating on your girlfriend with me, or wanting to cheat on her with me…. this is very repulsive and selfish. Men. STOP THIS. I do not find this intriguing in any way whatsoever, so I really think he should at least tell his girlfriend that he wants a little break. Then it could be a tad acceptable, cause in the end he isn’t really cheating, he’s exercising his variety and choices, i guess.

I think he’s cute and sweet and all. However, I am not trying to be that “other girl” in those triangle situations. Though I know how pathetic this choice is, I rather be the ‘played girl’, cause at least she was there first and all that jazz.